When an Adult Experiences the Death of a Parent
Your parent has died. Whether their death was sudden or expected, hearing the news or being
there with your mom or dad in their final moments is a shock to your system. Life will no longer
the same without them. Changes abound no matter if you lived with them, saw them or spoke to
them daily, or had less frequent contact.
Typical Reactions to a Parent’s Death
While it is true that from the time you were a child you imagined, and perhaps feared, that your
parent would die someday, you may not feel prepared for the overwhelming impact their death
is having on you. A myriad of thoughts and feelings swirl around in your head. Your body reacts
with physical ailments and symptoms. Emotional and spiritual issues arise as you ponder the
meaning of life without your parent.
How Can This Be?
It is hard to fathom that your parent, who has always been there, is now gone. There were so
many things you did together or had hoped to do with them. Now you must adapt to a new way
of perceiving the world.
No One Can Take Their Place
Your parent is irreplaceable, no matter if they were your parent by birth, by adoption, or by
circumstances. Whether you were on the best of terms or if you were experiencing challenges in
your relationship, their death shakes up your family structure and profoundly effects your
perception of yourself as a member of the family. Perhaps a great deal of your role identity
and/or your daily schedule involved caring for your parent; all that changed with their death. No
matter what your age, or how long you have been independent of them, you may find yourself
longing to be someone’s little girl/little boy again. Or you catch yourself thinking, “No one will
ever love me or take care of me like my parent did.”
I Have So Much to Do
If this is your first parent to die, you will not only be going through your own grief process, but
you will very likely be witnessing your surviving parent’s grief. They may need you to comfort
them in their sorrow. It may now be your responsibility to look after your surviving parent.
Being in charge of tasks that previously were done by the one who died can be daunting, both
physically and emotionally. Recognizing all the business that you now are expected to take care
of can leave you exhausted and overwhelmed.
If This Was Your Second Parent to Die
You have acquired a new title. Now you are an “adult orphan.” Although the term orphan is
more commonly used in reference to a young child, the fact remains that you now have no living
parents. This change may usher in a second identity crisis as you wrestle with the meaning of
being the oldest generation in your immediate family.
Your Emotional Inheritance
Consider the traits and life lessons given to you by your parent. What are some of those
characteristics, values, and ways of being in the world that you treasure? How will you uphold
their ideals or continue to pursue their goals? What do you tell others, who didn’t know them as
you did, about who your parent was?
© 2013 OUR HOUSE Grief Support Center
Bittersweet Discoveries About Yourself
What are you discovering about yourself as you go through the grief process? Are you stronger
or more capable in some areas than you might have anticipated? Of course you would probably
prefer to have your parent still alive and NOT be learning these lessons. But given the fact of
their death, are there some things that you admire about the way you are handling things?
Mixed Reactions From Others
Since your parent died, you have probably been surprised, both positively and negatively, by the
reactions of your friends and co-workers. Have you heard phrases like: “Well, he had a good
life,” “At least she isn’t suffering anymore,” “You knew that this would happy one day; now you
are free to live your life as you wish” or even “Aren’t you over it yet”? Some people just don’t
understand. Yet others may pop out of the woodwork with words of condolence and helpful
actions.
Following the Death of Your Parent
You may find yourself eager to be around other family members who knew your parent
well
On the other hand, you may feel apprehensive about being with others and prefer to be
somewhere alone where you can grieve privately
You may find a sense of comfort in being in their home, or find it hard to walk through
the door
You may feel relieved in some ways
You may find it hard to believe that your parent has died and miss them when you have
accomplishments that you long to share with them
You may catch yourself daydreaming or unable to concentrate on activities that require
your full attention
Your friends may not understand why you are having such an intense reaction to your
parent’s death and want you to be the same old person you always have been
You can anticipate that holidays and family gatherings will stir up intense emotions
Your thoughts about the meaning of life may change
You may have an acute awareness about the fragility of life
You may decide to change your goals, make new choices, and evaluate your priorities
Helpful Actions
Let your siblings, friends, and family members know how you are feeling; be available to
give and receive support from each other
Invite conversations about the memories you have of your parent
Set up a memorial space in your home; place flowers or candles, a picture of your parent,
a place to write messages or thoughts
Give yourself plenty of time to grieve and process your feelings
Take good care of yourself and know that your heart is healing in baby steps
www.OurHouse-Grief.org
West LA: 310-473-1511│Woodland Hills: 818-222-3344